About this time of year – earlier, usually – the current Mrs Masher and her best mate go off on holiday together, taking their respective kids with them. I get left behind, either because I have too much work to do or because it is an ideal opportunity to get some decorating – or the like – done whilst the house is empty. But I don't mind, because I know they have a great time and it's a bit of a holiday for me too.
The first thing I do is tidy the house up. All the kids toys are put away and wayward bits of clothing are either hung up or slung in the washing basket, depending on their condition. All the radios are retuned to Classic FM, away from Mrs M's preference of Smash Hits Radio. The TV's – which are normally stuck permanently on The Disney Channel – are tuned to BBC1. (Thinking about it, can we still use the term "tuned"? Since the switch to digital, channels are no longer tuned to as they no longer have a dedicated frequency each but, rather, are plucked from a digital bitstream on a frequency carrying several channels. "Selected" might be a better word.)
Anyway, I digress… the house stays that way for a whole week. I can come and go as I please, watch what I want on the telly and have it as loud as I like. We (the royal we, that is) have already had a Die Hard fest, with pizza, beer and popcorn and the the surround sound system cranked up to 11. Bloody marvellous!
Anyway. Again. This year, Mrs M's friend couldn't make it, so she asked – somewhat magnanimously – if I would like to go instead. "Me? Go on holiday? With my family? Yeah, OK, whatever." And so her friend's name was removed from the booking and mine was added and I booked a week off work.
A couple of weeks later Mrs M got talking to her other bestie mate, one afternoon. That evening she asked "Would you mind if Laura went on holiday with us… instead of you?"
""Me? At home on my own? With no family? Yeah, OK, whatever."
And so arrangements were quickly changed and the enormously bosomed Laura has gone in my place.
I've had a couple of emails from them and, by all accounts, they are having a wonderful time. Which pleases me greatly.
Anyway, I'd better go as I have to plumb in the new washing machine. I might just do it in my trunks… because in a couple of hours time the kitchen floor will be swimming in water.
